Redemption
by Lady Callista
Summary: After being used by so many, he had become master of his own fate again. He'd been beholden to no one, and finally been able to choose what he wanted to do rather than find the least distasteful of the villainous options presented to him. He should have known it couldn't last. But whatever the consequences, he found he couldn't betray her trust. (Captain Swan, post 4.4)


Disclaimer: I do not in anyway own Once Upon A Time. ABC, Disney, and whoever else have that distinction. No profit is being made, and no copywrite infringement in intended.

AN: So 4.4 took us from the heights of fangirl squeeing to, well, in my case a mix of heartbreak and anger. I hesitated to write this one, because I've been trying to keep all my CS fics cannon-friendly, and this one almost certainly won't be after the next episode airs. But at least for a week I can have my head-cannon to comfort me, and not worry that I may be on a sinking ship. Reviews are appreciated as always.

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><p><span>Redemption<span>

by Lady Callista

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"True redemption is seized when you accept the future consequences for your past mistakes."

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Killian sat at the end of his bed in his quarters at Granny's, body slumped over and head in his hands -hand and hook- he corrected himself with a mirthless chuckle.

_They're saying you're a hero. Being good is nothing to be ashamed of. People change._

_I'm a pirate and I always will be._

The words he had exchanged with Ariel during the missing year had been taunting him ever since he left the sheriff's station, along with guilt and regret about what he had done to Ariel; well, the real one anyway. It was the only act he'd committed of his own free will since he'd met Emma that he was ashamed of. Although far from the only act in his too long life.

_The kind who's empty. Who believes a ship can fill a void left by a broken heart._

But he wasn't empty anymore, hadn't been since the moment he'd traded the Jolly for the chance to get back to his Swan. Since the moment he'd admitted to himself that he loved her enough to want her happy, no matter the cost to him.

And he didn't have a broken heart anymore, her kiss and touch and trust had healed that, had allowed him to hope for a future together with her, for the happy ending he'd never thought someone with his past could have.

He had changed, he was good; he was maybe even a bloody hero, and he was starting to not cringe at that thought, although he knew he still would have denied and scoffed at anyone else who said it. And it didn't really matter anyway; he'd never wanted to be a hero.

All he'd wanted for a long time was to skin the bloody crocodile.

And for his revenge, he had become a pawn. He had given up being the master of his own life, done things he found reprehensible because the alternative was worse. He'd been betrayed and used by too many people in his life, although Cora, Regina, Zelena, Pan, and the crocodile certainly stood out.

Finally though, finally he had become master of his own fate again. He'd been beholden to no one, and been able to choose what he wanted to do, what his heart told him to do, rather than find the least distasteful of the villainous options presented to him.

He should have known it couldn't last.

A knock at the door brought his head up, but he was hardly in the mood to converse with anyone at the moment, would have ignored the knock if not for hearing a beloved voice calling his name.

With a heavy heart he rose and opened the door, forcing himself to smirk at her as he waved a hand to gesture her inside. "It's a daring lass who comes to a pirate's bedchamber at such a late hour."

She smiled, but like his own it didn't reach her eyes. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know what you mean, luv." He tried for flippant, but even to his own ears it sounded hollow.

"Killian." Her voice was soft, although he could see the steel in her eyes. "Remember when I said that I trust you? I've apparently been an open book since the day you met me, so you know just how much that means. Don't make me regret it."

If it had been only the steel in her eyes he might have been able to push her away, to break whatever it was between them before the damned crocodile used it to hurt her, or worse, before he was the one who hurt her.

He was so _bloody pissed _about how often his love was used to hurt her.

He saw the fear below the steel though, and that made his abused heart clench. And he saw the trust below it all, burning so brightly he knew he couldn't betray it. "What gave me away?"

"I wanted so badly to believe Gold had changed, I thought just maybe this once there truly wasn't a price, but something is wrong." She stepped closer, and his heart shuddered as she lay a gentle hand on his cheek. "Something is off with you, and Gold is Gold, and magic had a price, and Killian... please just tell me. Tell me why you did it, and tell me what deal you made."

"The _why _is the easy part, luv." He knew his heart was in his eyes as he tilted his head to lay a warm kiss on her palm.

Her eyes widened, but not with shock. He imagined she had known why he did it, it was rather painfully obvious after all, but hadn't wanted to let herself believe it. Her voice stayed gentle, but it shook with the effort of keeping it that way. "You know I don't care if you have a hand or a hook. You know it."

"I know." His voice was painfully honest. "I just wanted two hands to hold you."

There was pure shock on her face, and her mouth opened and closed several times before she huffed out, "You're such a romantic idiot." Her eyes misted up a second before she threw herself into his arms.

Killian's breath hitched as he wrapped his arms around her, his hook resting carefully on her back even as his hand came up to tangle in her hair, to cup the back of her head and hold her to his heart. He leaned down to drop a kiss on the top of her head before whispering, "You've not been paying attention if you didn't already know the first part lass, and I'm afraid that at the moment, well, I can't argue the second."

"Tell me."

It was whispered against his chest, and he knew he couldn't deny this woman anything. This woman who held his heart in her hands, this woman who he would do absolutely anything to make happy. The first person in a very long time that he trusts to never betray him, never use him or lie to him.

"There's much I've done you don't know about, Swan, and most of it does not cast me in the light in which I want you to see me." He used his hand in her hair to gently move her head until he could look into her eyes. "I dearly wish you hadn't seen some of what you have."

"It wasn't your choice." She breathed, her eyes willing him to believe that she understood. "When you looked into my eyes when I was locked in Gold's cell, when you told me you wouldn't have betrayed me if I hadn't betrayed you first, I knew you were telling the truth. I knew it, Killian, and I understood. You did what you had to do, both to survive and to get your own revenge, but you were looking for a better way than the one Cora offered you. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you."

"Not your fault, luv." He'd reconciled long ago that she'd truly had no reason to trust him, and the fact that she'd only briefly detained him rather than killing him had shone that first ray of light into his darkened heart. At least after he spent the first few hours cursing the fact that he'd been used and discarded yet again. "Once I admitted that I had been working with Cora, that I was willing to betray her and help you, you couldn't take the chance. A man who turns his coat once will turn it again, eh?"

He saw the confusion in her eyes for a second before she understood the phrase. "You wouldn't have betrayed me, and you've shown that to me every chance you had. You didn't always have the greatest choices, and I didn't always agree with what you did, but you always did the best you could. And when you had a choice... You told me Neal was alive, and bared your soul to help me save him. You followed me into a portal that could have taken us anywhere. Hell, you gave up the thing you treasured most for me."

"And I would never have told you of that if you hadn't asked." Killian answered softly, "I didn't do it to make you beholden to me."

"I don't feel beholden to you." She whispered. "I trust you, and I..."

"It's alright, love." He stressed the last word more than he normally did, turning it into a heartfelt caress as he heard what she couldn't yet say. "I just hope what I've done won't change what's between us."

"Anything can be fixed except for broken trust." She pulled back from him then, but kept his hand in hers and led him to sit by her side on the bed.

It came in fits and starts, how he had blackmailed the crocodile into reattaching his hand, the warning he had been given and chosen to ignore. The truth about the anger in the restaurant, and what had happened to her prisoner. His fear that he would hurt her, or Henry, or someone else she loved. How he had gone to the man he hated most, and been forced to make a deal to get rid of the wretched thing.

She listened with a calm face, interrupting him briefly with questions but never once judging him. He was merely giving her the backstory though, merely setting the stage for the vile act he'd been forced to commit.

Her arm slid around him as he spoke of going to the old man's house, as he told what had happened. "I don't think he's dead, and I have no idea what the crocodile intends to do with him, but..."

"We'll find out." Her voice was firm. "We'll fix it."

"That's not the end, Swan." He prided himself on never being a coward, and knew deep down that it hadn't really been admitting the act that worried him. It was the thought of telling her the crocodile's parting words that had him, for the first time in his life, quaking in his boots with fear.

She must have seen that fear, known that whatever was to come was worse than what he'd already told her, for she leaned her head on his shoulder and reached out to link their fingers together. "It'll be okay."

And so he finished the story, unable to stop his voice from breaking as he repeated what the crocodile had told him. He whispered the words into her hair, words that felt as though they were etched unto his very soul.

_Dark One lies. Dark One tricks._

_That hand was never cursed. _

_Who you really are._

_Ruthless pirate._

_Darkness that lies beneath._

There was a long moment of silence when he finished speaking, and while he'd felt her tense against him she hadn't pulled away. He let the silence stand, let her digest what he'd told her and if it would change things between them. When he could finally bear it no longer he choked out, "Say something, Swan, even if it's to curse my name and the day you met me."

"How do you know which time he was lying?"

His mouth fell open at her quiet question, which was not at all the reaction he had been expecting. "What?"

She drew back, her fingers returning to his cheek and gently wiping away the single tear that trailed down it. "He's a liar, yes, we know that. He's also the most manipulative person I've ever met. If you're right, if Belle truly doesn't have his dagger, then there's no telling what new game he's playing. But he's already miscalculated."

"What are you going on about, Swan?" Bloody hell, but he would never understand this woman.

"If you were still the pirate, if you really had that darkness in you, you wouldn't feel guilty about what you've done. You wouldn't want redemption for all the things you've done in the past if you didn't regret them." Her eyes showed him everything she couldn't yet say about how she felt about him. "I told you before, I don't care about what you did in the past, and I know everything wasn't your choice anyway. You're a good man, Killian, even if you're not used to seeing yourself that way."

Killian felt his heart clench. "Even after what I've told you, you can say that to me?"

"It's because you told me that I can say it." She leaned into him then, and the kiss she gave him was achingly gentle. "We'll figure it out, it's what we do."

He had never been more in awe of her, and that was saying a great deal. "You're bloody amazing, luv."

"You brought me home, convinced me to believe in you when every rational bone in my body said you were crazy. And then you did it again, when you helped me find my magic, when you helped me realize that it _was_ my home and I didn't want to run." She kissed him again, one hand cupping his cheek while the other gripped his wrist above the hook that had almost cost him everything. "I wouldn't have this life, I wouldn't have my home and my family, if it wasn't for you. And you're part of that life, Killian. I want you to be."

"Your life would have been so much easier though." He couldn't help but whisper against her lips. "You and the lad would have been happy, with no worries about witches, curses, snow queens, or bloody crocodiles."

"But it was a lie." She parroted his past words back to him. "And I'd rather have a hard, painful truth than an easy lie. Which is why I know this is right. Gold tried to break us, tried to make you doubt yourself and betray me, lie to me, but he failed. Even through your fear, you trusted me enough to tell me, and I trusted you enough to listen, and see the truth. The hand was cursed, Killian, I believe that with everything in me. Do you?"

He lost himself in her eyes, wanting to believe that she was right. Wanting so desperately to believe that he was worthy of her. "I want to."

"You're a good man." She repeated her earlier words. "You've shown me that many times from the day we met, and, even if I didn't always realize it at the time, every moment since you offered me _your ship and your service_."

He couldn't help the small grin that came when she tried to replicate his accent, but didn't know what to say. He wanted to believe it, wanted to believe they could one day have what her parents did, but it was hard to believe when he'd spent the past hour lost in memories of all the horrible things he had ever done.

"And if you can't believe it yourself yet, if you don't have enough faith for that after everything you've been through, then have faith in me and what I believe. You've helped me find my faith more than once, let me help you find yours."

"I've had faith in you since the first time you kissed me, luv." He admitted, raising his hooked arm to eye level, his lips grazing over the back of her fingers where they still held his wrist.

"So we do this together then." She whispered, raising her other hand to caress her fingers along the curve of his hook.

"Aye, together." His smile reached his eyes at last, and this time when they kissed they didn't break apart for a long while.

THE END


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